Build A Baby Book

Jokes, Jokes and Jokes?

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted talk.
She said, “You use to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to
get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, “Then you used to
kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said. “Then you use to bite my neck. “Angrily,
he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going ?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”

once in a mens locker room of a golf course a mobile rang, every body stopped to listen. the man picked up the and on line was a lady “Darling i saw a very beautiful drees Its only for Rs 50,000 can i buy it?”
Man: sure darling
Lady: and i saw a very elegant gold set for a lakh…
Man: buy it sweetheart
Lady: and a decorative painting for our room how about that only
75,000?
Man: of course
Lady: thankyou, i love you!
Everyone in locker started staring at the man, after sometime the man
Shouted “Does anyone knows the owner of this phone?”

Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.
Son : But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap!

One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
“Eighty dollars,” the dentist says.
“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”
“Well,” the dentist says, “if I don’t use an anesthetic, I can knock it
down to $60.00, but it would be very painful”
“That’s still too expensive,” the man says.
“Okay,” says the dentist. “I can save time if instead of using my normal
surgical procedure, I simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers. I
could get away with charging $20.00″
“Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.”
“Hmm,” says the dentist, scratching his head. “If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I charge you just $10.00″
“Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!”

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists

found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the

conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one

thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists

dug 200 meters and the headlines in the US papers read:

‘US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and

have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech

digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians.’

One week later, Indian daily newspapers reported the following:

‘After digging as deep as 500 meters, Chinese scientists have found
absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their
ancestors were already using Bluetooth and Wireless technology.

The Biggest Mystery of Maths

1000s of years passed,
Millions of theorems derived,
Thousands of formulas made,

But still…..
X is unknown!!
but
XXX is well known!

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, ‘Children are a gift from God,’ he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear raincoats.’

And the congregation said, ‘Amen’

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman’s husband unexpectedly comes home.

She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.
The little Boy says: “Dark in here.”
The Man says: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a soccer ball; do you want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside, I’ll call him if you don’t buy it!”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “£250-00.”

A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have soccer boots.”
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: “How much?”
The Boy says:”£750-00.”
The Man says: “Fine, I will buy them.”
A few days later, the Father says to the boy: “Grab your ball and boots, let’s go outside a
The Boy says: “I can’t, I sold them for £1000.”
The Father says: “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…
£1000 is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your sins.”
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The Boy says: “Dark in here.”
The Priest says: “Don’t start that sh!t again!

Is there anything missing out of my hospital bag for the birth?

I have packed for the baby:
9 onesies – three in preemie, three in newborn and three in 0-3 months.
wipes and nappies.
scratch mittens
burp cloths
a swaddling blanket
baby hair brush for if she has hair.

For me I have packed, some things are for the husband too:
General toiletries (shampoo, conditioner, body wash, flannel, hairbrush, face wash, hair bands)
Glasses (I usually wear contacts but I think with the baby being born I won’t have time to put them in all the time)
Underwear – new packet of knickers, 8 pairs which are 2 sizes bigger than normal (My mil said to get them a size or two bigger so they are comfortable after giving birth) and two maternity bras
slippers
6 pairs of socks – I get incredibly cold feet.
A dressing gown for walking around the hospital in
pj’s – 3 pairs, 2 for me and 1 for my husband.
2 books – just in case the labour is long, one is mine the other my husband’s
Change of clothes for the husband
Some long and loose tops and leggings for me.
Digital camera and video camera – though trying to talk my husband out of taking the video camera, not keen having the birth filmed.
Maternity pads
Nipple cream
Breast pads
Mobile phone and chargers
Antibacterial hand gel – I know hospitals have them but I think might be a good idea to take on anyway.

I’ve not packed the going home outfit or the car seat because I have to stay in a couple days after birth so my husband is going to get them. Am I missing anything or have I packed too much?

Is there anything missing out of my hospital bag for the birth?

I have packed for the baby:
9 onesies – three in preemie, three in newborn and three in 0-3 months, she was measuring small at the last scan but we were told to take a few onesies in various sizes.
wipes and nappies.
scratch mittens
burp cloths
a swaddling blanket
baby hair brush for if she has hair.

For me I have packed, some things are for the husband too:
General toiletries (shampoo, conditioner, body wash, flannel, hairbrush, face wash, hair bands)
Glasses (I usually wear contacts but I think with the baby being born I won’t have time to put them in all the time)
Underwear – new packet of knickers, 8 pairs which are 2 sizes bigger than normal (My mil said to get them a size or two bigger so they are comfortable after giving birth) and two maternity bras
slippers
6 pairs of socks – I get incredibly cold feet.
A dressing gown for walking around the hospital in
pj’s – 3 pairs, 2 for me and 1 for my husband.
2 books – just in case the labour is long, one is mine the other my husband’s
Change of clothes for the husband
Some long and loose tops and leggings for me.
Digital camera and video camera – though trying to talk my husband out of taking the video camera, not keen having the birth filmed.
Maternity pads
Nipple cream
Breast pads
Mobile phone and chargers
Antibacterial hand gel – I know hospitals have them but I think might be a good idea to take on anyway.

I’ve not packed the going home outfit or the car seat because I have to stay in a couple days after birth so my husband is going to get them. Am I missing anything or have I packed too much?
He’s allowed to stay one night with me at the hospital and he’s going to want to change. He might get all messy during the birth even if he doesn’t stay the night.